23

The day before yesterday was my birthday. I would have posted sooner, but I fell asleep after I typed the previous sentence, then started dealing with my current personal crisis, which I’ll talk about at the end-ish of this post.

My family and I had dinner the Saturday before my birthday, so I was able to spend my birthday with Pepito; we had lunch at Italianni’s (something that we will only do on special occasions because we are poor frugal) then decided to work at a cafe: he on his thesis, me on some backlogged articles. We went home after spending some time together, then enjoyed the carrot cake that Gela had baked with her boyfriend Convi.

Now I’m 23, and I’m feeling insecure about my life, as if I was lost. It feels like such a strange thing, as technically, since I don’t have a job, I’m ‘free’, yet I feel the pressure to get a job, not just from my parents but from myself as well. I don’t exactly have an extravagant lifestyle, but it still costs money to keep doing what I want. I want to be able to support it myself. It’s slightly amusing because I feel like a starving artist, when I’m not even much of an artist nor a graduate of an art course. I suppose I feel that way because recently I’ve been able to go back to my creative roots: writing, painting, paper cutting, creating and tinkering with things, and I’ve started considering these things as possible sources of income. It’s also so weird for me because it feels as if suddenly, there are a lot of options to pursue. After so many years in an academic institution (6, if you wish to know exactly how long) I’ve gotten used to being on more or less a straight path. To be fair, I appreciated that guide, though I guess it’s because I I found my course to be pretty concise.

But now, I’ve been out of college for 6 months and I’m feeling a bit lost. I was prepared to transition from college life to yuppie life, but I didn’t anticipate getting stuck in the transition itself. It’s frustrating, since I’ve given myself goals and expectations like, I’d get a job, I’d be earning my own money, I’d support myself (while admittedly still mooching off my parents but you know, paying for my own things) and I’d really be independent; not just I’m-alone-independent but I’m-taking-care-of-myself-independent.

I understand though that there are two ways to look at this; as either a setback or an opportunity. So far I’ve been seeing it as an opportunity; a chance to do stuff I like doing or haven’t had the chance to do, which I have been doing, but really, I need to start earning soon. I can’t help but feel like I’m idle, even though I’ve been up to my own things, and that feeling is starting to really bother me.

unemployment

I hate writing life posts because half way through the post, I often feel silly or everything I’ve written sounds cliche and I nearly always never post it. But then I get faced with the dilemma of wanting to write about it anyway, because it’s (supposed to be) the best thing I have going for me right now, and I’ve nothing better to do and it’s good exercise, and yeah, I guess I’ll just write about it.

I don’t think I’m interesting, and I don’t think I’m very talented, which is probably why I’m still unemployed, but is also a terrible thing to say ‘out loud’ while looking for a job. Honestly, I thought I’d have a job, or at least something substantial by now aka offers. I suppose it’s my fault, since I’ve been ‘picky’ about where I’ve been applying, but I’ve always felt that I knew ‘what I deserved’,  in the sense that I know how high I could/should aim with what I have. I always felt that I knew what I was worth. Of course, that’s taking a beating at the moment. I’m still unemployed and I’m being threatened by the powers that be with deportation by the first week of next month, aka my birthday, thanks a lot. I’m always wondering; what am I doing wrong? Am I applying to the wrong companies? What is it about me that companies don’t like? And yes, this post is turning into exactly what I didn’t want it to turn into; something sappy and pretty pathetic. And I’m guessing this is how boys feel when they court girls. HAHA. And now I’m realizing I should be treating this the same way (which is more or less how I’ve been treating it).

I joke about looking for a job all the time. My latest joke involves me creating a cover letter with a link to a YouTube video of me just dancing while chanting “hire me hire me hire me” in order to get noticed. (Sadly, that kind of thing isn’t popular here, and would probably result in me being shunned by my alma mater and everyone else who’s respectable/knows me/EVERYONE. (Yes, I actually seriously considered doing it, if just for kicks.)) It’s important to me that I get a job soon, but at the same time, I don’t want to compromise too much of my self-esteem. It isn’t so much about pride (though I suppose it still is) but principle; I know what I can do, and I know what I’m worth. I don’t want to sell myself short. I just hope other people (aka potential employers) would see that, too. Soon. Like before the end of the month. (Hello! Please hire me!)

on not being lucky, but possibly serendipitous

Last Christmas, my dad won a waffle iron at our neighborhood’s Christmas party. It’s never been used, but I’ve always wanted to give it a try. I always put it off, until today, where while at the grocery earlier with Pepito, I remembered to get some pancake mix (to be modified for waffles). When we were walking to the car afterward, I remembered how my dad had won the waffle iron in the first place, and mentioned to Pepito how lucky my dad is when it comes to chance, and how he had kept all that luck to himself and failed to pass it to me or my older brother. In games of chance, we’ve never had any luck. But then I stopped, and realized that I did have something of, or like luck; serendipity. Though the term tends to imply something magical/against-all-odds-y, it’s honestly more of things just pleasantly working out in the end. Recently, my job searching has been slow and uninspiring, frustrating and depressing. I’m holding on to the hope that good things come to those who wait (and work, of course) and hoping that things will work out in the end (which they usually do). Though I may not be lucky, I wouldn’t mind a little bit of serendipity soon.

the job hunt

It’s already the 2^nd week of July, and I’m getting worried that I won’t be able to land a job before September. Despite the fact that I go out often, I don’t like the fact that I’m idle. A lot of things are hanging on me getting a job, and earning my own money. Although I haven’t planned out my life completely (something that I don’t think I want to do, or will do; I’m comfortable with being somewhat flexible), I have an idea of what I want and what I want to happen, and getting a job is the first step that I need to take.