no one brings me down like you do

I had an awful argument with my mom yesterday. I felt so terrible that after crying hard, I threw up and inadvertently skipped lunch. I then spent the rest of the afternoon questioning myself and being fearful. Then I skipped dinner and fell asleep.

I had a weird dream about a boy my age; I don’t recall who he was. It was raining and foggy, and we were walking through a place that resembled Tagaytay: empty houses spaced far apart from one another, except there were many rocks and the landscape was somewhat crag-like. We broke into one of the houses and tracked mud and grass from outside, I didn’t care. We ran through it, looking for the back door, when I heard a door open or close, and then suddenly it wasn’t just me and the boy anymore, but there were other people with us tracking mud and grass through the house. So we ran, I ran, to a window that lead to a porch and I climbed through it and climbed down the porch and dropped down onto the grass and ran again. Then, I was with the boy, but it was night now, and we were on the road that leads to my subdivision from the highway. It was lit and I dreamed of it as it was in real life, but then wouldn’t it be better if it was a walkway instead? And it became a walkway, and we walked down it, then my dream shifted and I wasn’t with the boy anymore, I was somewhere else in a different dream.

In the second dream, it was night again and I was under a flyover with a bunch of other people. There was an explosion, and I ran, then I saw what caused it: two Transformers fighting, and an important person was there so the people ushered him away to safety. But then the Autobot was killed and suddenly there were Decepticons around, so everyone froze in fear, I froze and looked around for someone I knew, and I saw someone; but I don’t really know him, it was just that in the dream he was someone I knew. They gathered us together and asked us where the important person was and we didn’t know, I shied away from the question. But then for some reason I suddenly knew where he was; he was hiding near the Burger King around the corner, and I needed to tell that person I knew, but then Barricade saw me looking at this person intently and he told me to walk with him, which I did. He told me he was going to kill me if I didn’t tell him the location of the important person, but now I was calm and I wasn’t scared. I walked with him and Megatron joined us and I walked with them like they were people, even though they’re supposed to be giant robots, and they talked between themselves in my presence. They touched me on the shoulders and on the waist while they threatened me but I didn’t care. They left me and I signaled to the person I knew the whereabouts of the important person, then walked away, down a corridor lined with embellished gravestones and memorial plaques, running my fingers across the engraved fonts and over the embossed figurines, to the outside of a Church, where I sat.

I still feel tired and terrible and afraid, and yet very stupid and naive.

driving

Streetlights that rise and set, casting shadows across the landscape of your skin.

wherein your college life is summarized in a stack of wallet sized photographs

When I found out that I was going to graduate from college, I was at a loss. I was very relieved, admittedly; the last year of my college life was not at all easy, and I was happy that, in a sense ‘it was over’; no more grades, professors to please, deadlines to run after (literally), no more papers to write about things that did not interest me, writing formats to follow or surprise quizzes or tests and whatnot. But as I stated earlier, I was also at a loss. Looking back at how I’ve dealt with the previous transitions in my life, I’m aware that I’m not all that good at dealing with them. However, while in my transition from high school to college I had a number of good friends within arms reach for support, this time was much different. I don’t know why or how I managed to do it, but in retrospect, I had distanced myself from a lot of people who had the potential to be good, if not very close, friends, and as a result had many acquaintances, but few good friends.
It was strange to me how I had survived higher education without that much of a consistent group of friends from school or elsewhere. But I only realized how much this bothered me when our graduation pictures finally came out; I didn’t know who to ask from, and who to give to. It’s silly and a bit shallow, but as a sentimental person, pictures mean a lot to me, and being able to exchange graduation pictures was something I knew I wanted to do and remember. However, when it came down to it, none of that ‘exchanging’ happened. Many of those from whom I asked for pictures told me that they had run out of them (which of course is something I don’t blame them for at all) while others I later realized said the same but really didn’t feel like I was in the position to ask for one (which made me feel silly and embarrassed for feeling that we were still friends, but is also silly because it’s such a high school thing to do, which is all right if you’re in high school, but not so if you’re already in college, and almost graduating). The best way to describe how I felt during the last few weeks before graduation (and graduation itself) is that I was grabbing at straws. I was looking for people with whom to share the memory of graduation with, but found none. I suppose there’s no one to blame except myself, as a ‘lack of close friends’ is really a result of most likely my failure to reach out to others to become close, or to keep in touch to stay close. (Yet I am tired of reaching out.)
At home, I have a packet of my graduation pictures, of which only a few have been given away, and on my computer, barely any pictures of my graduation. This is a very sad thing, honestly, but it’s also something I can’t really change, either. However, if you’re reading this and we were friends or good friends or something happened to link us to one another, I’d be happy to give you one of my graduation pictures, in exchange for one of your own.

Cosmo

Now, you’re with Wanda. RIP. :(

confession

I am always afraid.

loneliness

I can’t express how lonely I feel. I’m so sorry I’m so far from all of you.

You, especially.