getting it together

Things have been looking up!

I was able to talk with my mom on her birthday, and we cleared things up between us. So not only was I able to salvage (if not improve) my relationship with my mom, I was also able to make sure that she’ll no longer ship me off to Hawaii this September. I’ve been feeling really good since then. I’ve been making it a point to make sure that as much as possible, I’m being more productive (and visible) and finally doing things that I’ve been putting off for years, such as painting. I’ve also gotten back to writing (except, not here so much, haha) in the form of a dessert blog which I have just started. It’s called Sweets and Afters, and you can find it here.  I’m hoping that I can keep all of this up. Although the main crisis of my present life has been averted, my search for a job will continue. At least now I can relax a little bit.

Christmas

There’s not much to say, except I think I deserved better.

Last night I had a fever, and even though I did, I had to go around the house and make sure everything was being done right, because some family came over and we were hosting. Then after everything I (along with Pepito and my cousin’s girlfriend, thankfully) had to clean up because my dad was drunk. Then Pepito had to walk out of the village because I was sick and sleepy and I couldn’t drive him out and I feel really bad about it.

I don’t want to blame my dad for anything because in my head this is just his way of coping with how we are right now, but everything I do feels so thankless. And no one seems to really care about how we are or how I am, just on a shallow level like “Hi, hello, Merry Christmas!” and up to there only, sometimes with an extra “Where’s my gift?”

I’m disillusioned, distant and depressed. This isn’t a merry Christmas at all.

rewashing dishes

The recent days have been mostly tiring, for different reasons that aren’t new to me. School hasn’t been entirely as tiresome as it should be, because I don’t actively study like I should, and my relations with other people haven’t been straining because, well, I haven’t really been relating with others that much, recently. The most tiring part of having my mom staying with my brother in Hawaii this Christmas break is having to take care of the house, and my dad.

I worry about him a lot, because he gets left at home alone, he gets bored, he gets lonely. Sometimes it feels like I’m the parent, taking care of my child. It’s a strange reversal of roles. It’s manageable because my dad cooks and takes care of the house and the pets. He also goes to the grocery, and pays for the bills. But I often have to go over what he does, to check, because sometimes they aren’t done well.

What I often have to do the most is rewash the dishes. When I come home, or when I sit down to eat at home, I have to check if the plates and the utensils are clean. It bothers me a lot. I have an idea of how I want my house to be run, what my standards are, and it bothers me because it is below what I expect, but I don’t confront my dad about it because I honestly don’t know how to go about it; how exactly do you tell your dad that he isn’t taking care of things as you’d hoped, as a daughter? I don’t think I ever will. My dad’s taken care of my family very well and I guess this is my time to step up.

It’s just tiring, and strange, and somewhat sad.